Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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