Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
