So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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