I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
