so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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