if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Randomize
