We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
