so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
