True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
