We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Come see our sink grown plant.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
