The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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