he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
