It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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