I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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