even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
