I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
