Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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