Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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