I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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