i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
