lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
