my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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