So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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