Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
