Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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