Four minutes until I can fart!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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