i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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