I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
