Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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