I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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