im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
