Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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