you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
