I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
