new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
