I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
