things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
