End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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