I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
