Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
