I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
