I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
