My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
