There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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