did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
