Cold hands, warm shart.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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