He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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