drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
