when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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