I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Randomize
