Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
